I’m cooking dinner and fighting some sort of infection- maybe bladder or kidney. Not sure what, but according to my husband I have to go to urgent care. Meh. I hate urgent care.

I decided I was gonna eat a good steak and provolone cheese sub sandwhich before I went anywhere. So while I cook it, I had to post my favorite Jerky Boys prank call of all time. I found it on youtube and have been sitting here laughing over and over as I keep rewinding it.

It’s “Rosine Like’s Balloons” Or as my brother and I call it “Rosine likes Balloonce & Lobstahs too”.

During random spurts through any certain day, you can hear my brother and I bursting out into this imitation. Driving in the car, out in the pool, or even just as we’re eating a meal. No we’re not children- he’s 24 and I am 35. But sometimes, you have to laugh.

I bring you my fave prank EVER:
Rosine Likes Blue Brown Balloonce & Lobstahs too….

Here’s the words… you can’t help but laugh:
Reciever 1: ***** Markets
Caller (Rosine): Do you guys..do you have balloons?
R:YeNo (kinda of inbetween yes and no)
C: Y..Y..You don’t have balloons?
R: You what?
C: You guys don’t make balloons?
R: Yeah
C: So can i order balloons from you?
R: No, you have to come in.
C: Do you have any lobsters?
R: Hold on one second… (Puts him on hold)
Reciever 2: Hello?
C: Hello?
R2: Yeah can I help ya?
C: Yes, I’m looking for ballons.
R2: Ok. What kind?
C: I like the balloons, the blue big brown balloons.
R2: Sure!
C: I like to blow them up and than let the air out..
R2: Oh, come on in and you can do that.
C: How many could I touch and lick?
R2: As many as you want. You can touch and lick em’ all.
C: I like those balloons those ballons are nice too.
R2: Whatever you wanna do man.
C: I likeded that shit we drink that shit.
R2: Whatever you wanna do bro.
C: I like to eat lobster too.
R2: Ok, you can eat lobster.
C: I used to eat… I used to order lobsters n’ shit.(R2: Yeah) And I wouldn’t eat that shit, I’d lick that shit. (R2: You’d lick it huh.) And then I slap-ded that shit right off my table. (long pause) That shit was good.
R2: Yeah.
C: I slap-ded that shit.. (R2: alright man see ya later.) Right. (Hangs up)
(Jerky Boys crew chuckles)

For those of you that follow me on twitter, you will remember my neighbor that I swear is a vampire.
For those of you that don’t these are her details:

• Suburban mom, late 30’s- early 40’s.
• Mom jeans.  (I swear she’s the one in the middle but uglier)
  

• Floral button down shirts that show NO curving whatsoever, leaving her body type to look boxy. Not even sure she has breasts.
• Short mom hair. Almost feathered in a Lady Diana type ‘do from the late 90s.
• Has dogs. Her main dog, is a miniature yorkie named Clementine.

Reason I believe she is a vampire: I catch her walking her dogs at all hours of the night. Roaming the hood no matter whether rain, sleet, snow, wind, lightning, hail, tornadoes or blizzards- she is out there with Clementine, walking her at various times through out the day- but mostly NIGHT TIME.

One night I got up to get a drink of water and to raid the fridge to see if some of that good stuff was leftover from dessert. I just wanted a bite- or two.
Anyhow, As I took a third bite of the goodness I look out the kitchen window and I see a dark figure standing in the shadows of the huge tree near my garage.  I gasped and then realized it was Clementine & her owner. We shall name her “Roberta”.
I see Roberta looking into the trees, talking to herself, and even Clementine. And then I swear, as soon as I saw her there- SHE VANISHED. The next morning I told my husband and he too had a Roberta sighting. AT 1 in the morning! On a completely different night!
I came to the conclusion that Roberta must be some kind of mystical creature from the netherworlds.

Now… on to why I believe she watches me.
This past Monday I sat in my yard with the kids as they swam and I read a book. Out of nowhere, is Roberta near my yard with a pamphlet in her hand. “Hi. I just wanted to tell you, my church has a weekly VBS going on. I would love to take your kids! It would give them something to do! My husband and I can swing by in the morning and bring them home at night! Think about it! Here is a brochure! It’s free!”

I sat there dumbfounded. First off, because what was VBS? Second- what makes this freak think I would let my precious babies leave with her and her creepy little husband who resembles Jerry Lewis, go with them anywhere alone?

Then I looked at the pamphlet- Vacation Bible School. What was she doing? Did she really just so happen to be waltzing down the street with her dog and a free brochure in her hand to give to anyone?

NO.

I know, I JUST know she saw me from her house, and what was she doing? Waiting to see me with a brochure held tightly in her fists. Panting and waiting to see me burst from my home and sit upon my lawn furniture, so she could throw the leash on Clementine and run down the street to hand me a brochure and try to get me to turn into a Jesus freak! Or is she even a Jesus freak? Was that all a cover for her to try to get my kids into her mom van and try to lure them to some secret gathering of mini vampires and turn them into one of them? Think about it… camping, trees, pine trees, vampires. Apparently sparkling vampires who climb pine trees are all the rage lately, so I am laying bets- that Roberta was trying to make my kids one of her kind!
Maybe Vacation Bible School is code for Vampire Beginner’s School!

Not this time, Roberta- not this time

Should I tell her next time I see her, that I am currently interested in practicing Wicca again like I used to? Or should I just tell her that I have garlic growing in the garden and to GTFO of my yard?

Tis Summer Season.
Season of sun.
Season of heat.
Season of {insert dramatic sound effects here} SUMMER VACATION FOR MY KIDS.
Season of…
NO SCHOOL.

No more free time for me and the 4 year old.
No more lazy, relaxing, chill time.
No more.

Now my house is covered in insanity from the moment I awake until these tiny heathens go to sleep at night.

I have to remind myself, summer used to be one of my favorite seasons.
Fire flies.
Crickets.
Warm breezes.
Beaches.
Picnics.
Sunshine on my face.

So I will survive. I will.

Right?

Who woulda thunk it?
I saw a tweet for Blogs by Latinas. ALl I had to do was submit my blog and within 12 hours I recieved an email noting that I had been added!

Thank you Blogs by Latinas!

Now, maybe that the kids get out of school today I will have more time over summer vacay to fill this lil ol’ blog up with some goodness? Right? I hope so!

Check it out here: http://blogsbylatinas.blogspot.com